Bismillah,
So I was talking to a few of my friends and we were trying to analyze why is it that we are all still single though all of us are good brothers who are ready to get married… and one conclusion came to mind… Its not our fault, its the sisters. Of course we were joking around but I started thinking.. really… why is it that my friend Saif (this is not his real name) cant get married even though he is born and raised here, 25, perusing his PhD degree and is religious… and Mahmoud (again, not his real name) who is funny, born and raised here, and hold a very stable job…. and others as well..
And here is a compilation of some of the thoughts that I came up with…feel free to disagree.. but they are true in my mind 
- Since most of our parents who came to the US suffered until they were able to build themselves from scratch, and since the divorce rate amongst Muslim Americans and even back it the motherland is sky rocketing, our parents install in our sisters that sense of “independence”. Independence that leads to one conclusion which is, “I dont need a man to live my life, I can do it on my own” which goes perfectly parallel to the feminist ideas that we are taught in our school systems so its engraved in to our Muslim sisters and we “the young men trying to get married” suffer the consequences.
- The parents of our Muslim sisters are looking for a prince, scholar, good looking, good family, rich, nerd, submissive to their needs, prophet, owns his own car and house, business man who is a MD and an engineer in the same time … well.. you see what im saying right?
- The parents requirements are too much. A lot more than a brother who barely graduated can afford. Starting from who he is, to where he comes from, ending with the most important which is what he owns. They dont understand how much fitna young brothers go through being single in the West.
- Muslim girls usually are more educated than men which give them better careers than men which leads to the ultimate problem which is, women making more money than their husbands. (FYI, some men don’t like that simply because their feelings that they should be the one providing for the family, not his wife)
- Given the fact that Muslims brothers in the US aren’t limited to a certain city or state, we tend to look for girls in others cities and Muslim men find it hard that women don’t want to move and leave their own life to go live with her husband some where else.
- Muslim girls want to marry this “Leonardo Dicaprio” figure (sorry, I rmr him from Titanic…LOL) who is super romantic, super considered, smart, kind and caring, maybe a quarterback haha, super “cute”, of course he has to be in shape, and super everything thing they hear in fairy tales and its almost impossible to find that in real world….maybe in Jannah insha’Allah.
- (Special for Egyptian single sisters) They want a man who can be dominated by them. I am sure almost everybody have seen/heard about how Egyptian men being “owned” by their wives… Come on .. say the truth….hahahaha… Egyptian women man.. may Allah protect us.. hahaha
- (Special for my brothers) Muslim brothers are looking for this dream girl that can only exist in their fantasies and she looks like this:
—- Religious and knows her deen. Attends lectures and halaqat, and active. But she has to stop after marriage… The brother will be the only one she is active with.
—- Jilbabi/Niqabi/super covered basically (no pants, jeans, etc).
—- Gorgeous, Hott, and very very attractive.
—- Shy.
—- Knows how to cook.
—- Submissive and polite.
—- Shorter than the brother
—- and super everything thing they hear in classic stories and its almost impossible to find that in real world….again, maybe we have to wait for the hur in Al-Jannah insha’Allah.
I can go on about this more and more, but I dont want to bore you with more details… i m sure you (brothers and sisters) can relate to what i am talking about right?!
October 6, 2008 at 7:59 pm
interesting….ill comment more when i have time….
October 6, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Simply put, there’s just not enough cake being baked.
October 6, 2008 at 8:02 pm
enta magnoon
October 6, 2008 at 8:05 pm
In the name of Allah, God of Mankind
First to get married there must be a proposal
For the most part the males will be doing this
So Abdullah must decide how much is required to ask
Nothing… (having bachelors finished inshallah)
$1500 – $2000 a month
$2000 – $3000 a month
Masters / PHD in progress…
Whatever it is Abdullah now feels like
He has the strength to propose in which ever fashion he chooses
You get rejected, Praise be to Allah, not ment for you
Rejection IS A BLESSING
that which is to befall you was never going to miss you
and
that which is to miss you was never to befall you
Ask for whats best, rejected praise Allah
Very simple actually so I dont see Males really having any trouble getting married.
It is either “YES” or “NO”
she wants you or she doesnt
Allah planned your rejection or your acceptance
So guys should not have the problem getting married
if your “ready” and you propose and the family rejects you b/c
you dont have “enough money” or degrees(whatever)
The family is not really worth marrying into.
Pray make dua….
Taking the Female perspective
Yes it is probably very hard b/c the person they are interested
in may never come and your hoping wanting for Him.
At the end of the Day you are just a piece of dirt
Asking Allahs permission to marry another piece of dirt
Before you leave Ask The Lord of Mankind to use both of you
as soil to make a riotous, obedient, worshiping fruit
peace and blessings be upon you All
Love you Haytham
October 6, 2008 at 8:09 pm
there should be commas in certain places
righteous is not spelled correctly
I do have trouble spelling
Question:
what do you think are ACTUAL REASONS FEMALE muslims have getting married?
October 6, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Asalamalaikum Warahmatullah
So true. It is not only Egyptian sisters that want to dominate their husbands , it is Pakistani too , and it is really depressing that some sisters actually get the education and push to do such things from their parents , especially their mothers. With some families the sisters are taught how to be like this. In one case there was a sister who seemed practicing , covered and everything. But the reality was she wanted to dominate over her husband and when it came to that she didn’t care much as to what was allowed or not. The Islamic feminism threat.
When Allah Subhana wa tallah has already given us the best way to do things , so many of us choose to ignore it and try to change and deviate from His Obedience and Path.
Parents need to realize these things and stop educating their daughters with the western mentality because what they end up doing is ruining their daughter’s future lives instead. Rather then teaching them motherhood and how to be wives and mothers and build the future homes and generations to come , they teach them how to take the role of Men and not women. And Allah Subhana wa tallah has given a special place and role to Women as the care takers and educators of the future generations , rather than belittle this role , Parents need to educate their daughters about the paramount importance of this role.
JazakAllahu Khair
October 6, 2008 at 8:34 pm
“what do you think are ACTUAL REASONS FEMALE muslims have getting married?”
From what I’ve heard:
1. Aren’t any brothers “qualified” in their eyes.
Could be true, many of the good guys are usually off in their own world, hard to find someone who has the balance of religion as well as dunya. Sister’s expectations might be a little too high, but then again I know plenty of brothers who are great but not married.
2. Waiting for someone to come sweep them off their feet.
I’ve rarely ever heard of any Muslim sisters proposing to brothers. Why the fear? It’s most likely the society we’re placed in, but I mean if a sister really likes a brother, why should she be shy from it? Take the chance, put your trust in Allah. People talk, that’s fine, more good deeds for you, at least you took a chance when everyone was too scared out of their minds.
Parents are also an issue but that’s for everyone. Again, everything comes with preparation first.
October 6, 2008 at 9:07 pm
I am a brother myself, and I totally disagree with you Haytham. Sorry, my love.
Top Reasons:
1. Guys are seeking “back-home” girls.
You are living in a country where a woman has the ability to handcuff and incarcerate you, i.e female police officers.
You don’t think that affected the way sister view themselves?
If you want a submissive girl, go back home! Girls overthere have a hard time stepping out of their own residences, thereby, I can guarantee she will be submissive to you.
Good cooks? You won’t find them in this country! Why? Because women don’t feel the need to be good cooks. Back home a girl reaches her self-realization through cooking! Simply because that’s her ultimate goal. Is to be a good wife.
So why would you expect a sister who was raised here to be the same?
The rumour that Egyptian girls are notorious for their domintaing attitude is simply because Egypt is the most westernized country in the Middle East. What’s Egypt’s cultural dress? Suit and tie. Enough said.
2. Maturity
You have to face it. Most brothers are not mature yet to face the hardships of marriage, and parents see right through guys like that. Most of the brothers are still living with their parents, and for the prospective parents that is a tough call, simply becauase you have no “credit” history. You have nothing to show for.
For all the brothers who are out there and are trying to get married, go to your local bank and see if they are willing to give you a 150K mortgage on a property.
(Interest is Haram & mortgages are Haram)
If you don’t have a good solid credit for the past 2 years, the bank won’t trust you with 150K, so why would you expect a father to entrust you with his daughter?
I am sure you see my point now!
October 6, 2008 at 9:09 pm
“- Muslim girls usually are more educated than men which give them better careers than men which leads to the ultimate problem which is, women making more money than their husbands. (FYI, some men don’t like that simply because their feelings that they should be the one providing for the family, not his wife)”
Sounds like a personal problem to me. Also, no one said anything about her “providing.” Go ahead, provide for the family, she’ll just use all of the 500 Gs made a yr on herself
October 6, 2008 at 9:18 pm
@ Observer … HAHAHAHA… CANT STOP LAUGHIN (inside Crescent Youth Forums joke)
@ Observer #2 enta magnon too
@ Hammad … i didnt know that. I thought that Desi sisters are a little less dominate … sigh.. now that you shot the chance of marrying a desi wife.. what am i suppose to do? LOL jk
@ Anima … your second point is true and I talked about this in my post… they are looking for prince charming.. so yea.. good luck finding him inshaAllah… as for your first point… i agree with that.. but what are the standards they are going by? I mean… come on.. she should look for somebody special yet normal.. not impossible ..
@ B… dude.. you are not suppose to disagree with me publicly .. this violates the Single Brothers Code of Ethics man LOL … ummm… I dont think that guys want a back home girl… that cant be generalized.
@ Someone… umm… i dont have a problem with her making money… not at all actually… i have a problem when she starts bossing me around… that is a huuuuge problem…. besides.. wont she like it more when she spends the 500 Gs from my money and not hers
October 6, 2008 at 9:25 pm
25K Mahr…
No thanks, Id rather buy a bike.
October 6, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Honestly I think everyone’s just scared
Everyone wants to get married but few people actually know what the reality of that statement means.
Go figure =)
October 6, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Those are two separate points.
The bossing around I can understand. However, from the point made it seems like brothers have a broblem with the sisters getting better educations and making more money. Which in that case seems like a “personal problem” (not yours, just in general).
October 6, 2008 at 10:00 pm
@ Someone… you might want to read this.. http://muslimmatters.org/2008/06/16/smart-muslim-chicks-who-inexplicably-scare-off-guys/
October 6, 2008 at 10:04 pm
@ B
I understand your point, but it is a huge generalization to say “back home girls” are like THIS and “westernized girls” are like THAT.
It’s not all black and white.
Our mammas here are smart enough to teach us how to cook, how to respect others, how to treat the males in our family.. give our parents some credit!
And as a married sister once said “Mac N’ Cheese is only cute once”.
October 6, 2008 at 10:15 pm
@ Observer,
It’s never black and white.
But the truth is, you will never be like a back-home sister, and a back-home sister will never be like you (assuming you were raised in the West). And most brothers are seeking qualities that are more popular back-home.
If this is hard for you to swallow, then you are in denial . . . sorry!
October 6, 2008 at 10:18 pm
I quote: ” 25K Mahr…
No thanks, Id rather buy a bike.”
LOL… ok..no THAT is super funny…. I wouldn’t blame you brother…
October 6, 2008 at 10:33 pm
alhamdulillah, my wife married me for my looks, it outweighed everything else.
October 6, 2008 at 11:46 pm
I like Human’s 1st post. The 4th post on this page.
“So guys should not have the problem getting married
if your “ready” and you propose and the family rejects you b/c
you dont have “enough money” or degrees(whatever)
The family is not really worth marrying into.”
That’s an interesting way to look at it.
October 7, 2008 at 12:37 am
Haytham, you have 500 G’s????
I’ll marry you.
October 7, 2008 at 12:48 am
leave the weak to complain. The seducer succeeds where the weak fall and bury themselves with their own self pity. If the chances of success were never low you would have never chased in the first place. You went a long for the chase so live with the consequences.
On another note, leave all the victims to me. A seducer is never worried and always trusts his lord
.
October 7, 2008 at 1:21 am
Assalamun Alaaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.
NUMBER ONE PROBLEM. LOOKING FOR SOMEONE PERFECT WHEN YOUR ARE NOT PERFECT!
October 7, 2008 at 1:33 am
I would never marry someone for their looks and money. These two things are not guaranteed Subha’Allah. But for their Manners and Character and Relationship with the deen. People what happened to marrying for the Sake Of Allah(SWT).
October 7, 2008 at 2:08 am
Sister Nusaaybah you are so right. May Allah bless and continue to guide you and all of us. Ameen.
Subana’Allah. In order to achieve this great goal of strengthening the marriage bond and establishing a stable family life, it is essential to choose the right partner in the first place.
Among the great Muslim women who are known for their strength of character, lofty aspirations and far-sightedness in their choice of a husband is Umm Sulaym bint Milhan, who was one of the first Ansaar women to embrace Islam. She was married to Malik ibn Nadar, and bore him a son, Anas. When she embraced Islam, her husband Malik was angry with her, and left her, but she persisted in her Islam. Shortly afterwards, she heard the news of his death, and she was still in the flower of her youth. She bore it all with the hope of reward, for the sake of Allah (subhaanahu wa ‘ta’aalaa), and devoted herself to taking care of her ten-year-old son Anas. She took him to the Prophet , so that he could serve him (and learn from him).
One of the best young men of Madinah, one of the best looking richest and strongest, came to seek her hand in marriage. This was Abu Talhah – before he became Muslim. Many of the young women of Yathrib liked him because of his wealth, strength and youthful good look s, and he thought that Umm Sulaym would joyfully rush to accept his offer. But to his astonishment, she told him,
“O Abu Talhah, do you not know that your god whom you worship is just a tree that grew in the ground and was carved into shape by the slave of Banu so-and so. He said, “Of course.” She said, “Do you not feel ashamed to prostrate yourself to a piece of wood that grew in the ground and was carved by the slave of Banu s o-and-so?” Abu Talhah was stubborn, and hinted to her of an expensive dowry and luxurious lifestyle, but she persisted in her point of view, and told him frankly: “O Abu Talhah, a man like you could not be turned away, but you are a disbelieving man, and I am a Muslim woman. It is not permitted for me to marry you, but if you were to embrace Islam, that would be my dowry (mahr), and I would ask you for nothing more.”
(Reported by al-Nisa’i with a sahih isnad, 6/114, Kitab al-nikah, bab al-tazwij ‘ala’l-Islam.)
He returned the following day to try to tempt her with a larger dowry and more generous gift, but she stood firm, and her persistence and maturity only enhanced her beauty in his eyes.She said to him,
“O Abu Talhah, do you not know that your god whom you worship was carved by the carpenter slave of so-and-so? If you were to set it alight, it would burn.” Her words came as a shock to Abu Talhah, and he asked himself, “Does the Lord burn?” Then he uttered the words: “
Ashhadu an laa ilaaha ill-Allah wa ashhadu anna Muhammadan rasul-Allah.”
Then Umm Sulaym s aid to her son Anas, with joy flooding her entire being, “O Anas, marry me to Abu Talhah.” So Anas brought witnesses and the marriage was solemnized.
Abu Talhah was so happy that he was determined to put all his wealth at Umm Sulaym’s disposal, but hers was the attitude of the selfless, proud, sincere believing woman. She told him, “O Abu Talhah, I married you for the sake of Allah (subhaanahu wa ‘ta’aalaa), and I will not take any other dowry.” She knew that when Abu Talhah embraced Islam, she did not only win herself a worthy husband, but she also earned a reward from Allah (subhaanahu wa ‘ta’aalaa) that was better than owning red camels (the most highly-prized kind) in this world, as she had heard the Prophet say: “If Allah (subhaanahu wa ‘ta’aalaa) were to guide one person to Islam through you, it is better for you than owning red camels.”
(Fath al-Bari, 7/476, Kitab al-maghazi, bab ghazwat Khaybar.)
Such great Muslim women are examples worthy of emulation, from whom Muslim women may learn purity of faith, strength of character, soundness of belief and wisdom in choosing a husband.
October 7, 2008 at 2:09 am
3aafwaan for the lenghthy response.
October 7, 2008 at 3:42 am
@ Human: You truly entertain me. That stuff about dirt marrying dirt- priceless. (It’s my MSN name now =] ) May Allah (SWT) preserve your knowledge, as well as your sense of humor, and grant you (and the beleiving men and women) al firdous al a3laa. Ameen.
. May it be a sadaqah jaariya for both you and I. Ameen.
@ Hammad : Awesome reply so true.
@ Aboo Salem Pheku : So would I bro, so would I
@ B (post 16)= As Shaykh YB once said, “why marry someone back home when you have so many single sisters over here. By choosing to go back home, thats a sister left behind” (clearly this is paraphrased)
@ Nusaaybah = Right on sis. Unfortunately many people don’t think this way. Or if they do and just want to give an excuse, they’ll use the “Tawakkul + doing my part” card. Pffft.
@ Samrah = On the contrary, jazaakillaahu khayran for it ukhti. I saved it
October 7, 2008 at 3:50 am
As for my 2 cents:
)
I totally agree with point 1 about the feminst mentality so many of our sisters are having. Sorry I’m lettin out yalls secrets sisters, but its the truth.
Point 2= LMAO @ prince, nerd, submissive to their needs, prophet, HAHAHA. This is SO true with so many parents, wallah. Its so sad when the most important thing, the deen, is compromised for everything else.
Point 4= This is very true. I honestly see no point in the wife working if there is no need for it, I really don’t. Now unless she’s a doctor who makes enough to support the family and who knows, put her husband through Madinah University, that would be awesome (imagine the ajr! that’s what its all about son).
Pojnt 5= HAHAHAHA, I’m DEFINITELY looking forward to your article Br. Haytham, please post it soon. And when thats up, please post whatever news article you might find on the “sudden influx of Muslim men in the NY/NJ area”.
Point 6= Sub7anAllah I just saw that movie 2 days ago! And I’m sure there are men out there somewhere hidden, possibly in masaajid. (Atleast we have our dreams girls =P)
Point 7= It seems that you, brother Haytham, have a very strong interest in our Egyptian sisters. Would you like me to find a wife for you? (She’ll be Egyptian
Point 8= Couldn’t have said it better myself. (Then again I’m not a man so I wouldn’t know).
I think you were right on point with pretty much everything al7amdulillaah. Again I can’t wait for that article.
Dumb reasons/assertions made by girls when the subject of marriage comes up:
-”I’ll get married when I’m a doctor, so about 25.”
-”I don’t want to get married cause he’ll just boss me around” (Don’t worry, she’s 15 and I’m working on her ego lol)
And the STUPIDEST one: “I don’t want to be tied down just yet. I wanna be free and live a little.”
Me:”?!?!?!? WHAT?!?!?! What are you talking about? What can a Muslim girl NOT do when she’s married that she can do when she’s single?! Usually kaafirs say that about dating /sleeping around, hitting the clubs and all that. Obviously you wouldn’t be DOING all that since youre MUSLIM, so what are you talking about?!?!”
Her: Blank face. No reply. Feeling stupid. Starts blushing
Me: Aaaaha! I won. You’re stupid. Feel dumb. (Obviously I didn’t say this, but I certainly was thinking it)
October 7, 2008 at 3:52 am
P.S. Swap “Muslim men” in point 5 to “Bearded terrorists” and that would be a more likely title.
October 7, 2008 at 10:25 am
Assalam u alaikum,
Here are the top 5 jobs expected of a man (from the girl’s side ofcourse and I used the word “man” as “brother” makes most parents think its a Muslim Marriage!)
1. Doctor (not the PhD kind!!)
2. Engineer – Computer, Electric, Mechanical, Civil, etc
3. Lawyer – Business, real estate, trial
4. Businessman (Min of $100,000 /year net, not gross)
5. Accountant – working for some big stock financial firm
Mind u, there is very little give on these.
Here are the top 5 things expected of a sister (from the “religious” brother side ofcourse and I used the word “sister” here as most brother’s are looking for a religious woman)
1. Modest – minimum wears hijab (but looks good in it)
2. Looks!
3. Not overbearing (brother still got to hang with his pals!)
4. Cleans (got to clean up the mess most brother’s leave behind)
5. Cooks (if both are not living with the brother’s family)
Here are a few things I have learnt over time:
(For Brothers)
Beauty
Over rated! (don’t get me wrong here, I did not say go marry a girl with facial issues – Actually if u do, may Allah reward you for your gentle heart!)
Beauty is not the key for a long and ever lasting marriage! It is but temporary and may last till late 50s or if really lucky till 70s. Remember the wife you sleep with has no beauty. It is all in your head. Do you know why?
When the lights go off at night, what beauty are you looking at? Point made!
Not overbearing
Remember, the sister, just left everything for you (if moving to another city/state, etc). Be kind to her! Give her time to adjust to you and the environment and gradually ease her off the dependancy factor. If the sister was born in the US, she may not be so dependent from day one! (not all sister though)
Say “I love u” (in any language and MEAN IT!)
The three letter word (in English) can do wonders if said the right way. Don’t be drinking tea and reading the paper and mention your luv to her! Mean it!
Bring back something for her when out
When out just hanging with ur pals or just out in general at a resturant, save a little eating space and pack some of the food you are eating (keep it clean ofcourse). Take it back to your wife and eat with her if possible. She will luv u for it!
(For Sisters)
Cooking
For goodness sake where are the Parents in this department!?! Teach the sister some cooking please!!!! Yes I know we live in the US and can get microwave dinners but what are you, as parents, thinking for your daughter!?! Heck some brothers know better cooking than their wife’s! So please learn to cook b4 u get married (if ur mother does not cook (may Allah make it easy for your family), please ask ur friends or their mothers for help)
Clean house/appartment
Most brother’s after a long day at work, just want a clean environment to come home to. So please keep the place clean. Don’t waste your day watching the stupid soaps and shows on TV or talking to your girlfriends! They are not going to bring money for your dresses and shoes.
Shopping (not food)
Keep it to a minimum please. Yes I know the latest design was calling you or it was such a cute thing to get! You do not have to have a dress for each day of the week!Remember, you can’t take that stuff with you into the grave! Also, with the way the economy is going, ur dresses are not going to get the food on the plate for you.
Modesty
I am sure you are blessed with beauty from Allah and you feel good about it. Why not keep it to yourself and your husband. Most of the brothers and others respect the modesty you present and will not bother you or think wrongly of you. May Allah reward you for your efforts to be modest.
Lastly – gossip!
Stop telling ur girlfriends/family about him. It is ur duty to protect him and if you have that much of an issue with him, talk to him about it. Also, quit yapping about non-sensible stuff! Give ur Angle’s a break from all the yapping some of you do. I remember at the Eid prayer, at a local masjid, I could not hear the Imam properly because of the loud yapping going on in the sisters section 30 rows back! JUST STOP IT!
Ok….I have had my 15 min on the soap box.
I ask Allah to forgive me for saying anything wrong/improper and ask Him to guide us all to the right path to Jannah. Most importantly: I ask Allah to make it easy for all the Single Brothers’ out there till they get married. Ameen.
Ur Brother in Islam,
Br. Asim
October 7, 2008 at 10:44 am
@ Samrah….. right on the money… I liked your comment a lot
@ ME….. I am sitting here laughing … nice comment
@ Asim….. LOVE YOUR COMMENT… that should have been an article on this blog man.
October 7, 2008 at 1:06 pm
From a sister’s perspective, I think generally what you said has some truth…
But here is some naseehah for all you brothers:
sisters are really (REALLY) turned off my immaturity. If you remind her of a teenager, then that’s not a good thing. Don’t confuse immaturity with a sense of humor, those are two completely different things. Try and carry a serious and intellectual conversation for more than 5 mins please. Allah gave you some ‘aql, use it.
I totally agree about learning to cook and cleaning…I can’t believe some sisters don’t even do this, it’s really weird to me.
It’s also really irritating when sisters say that cooking and cleaning are things of the past and all that modernist junk. Do you really think your husband is going to cook?? lol you’ll both go hungry.
At least do it for the sake of Allah azza wa jal: He will inshaAllah reward you and your husband will be happy with you.
Allahu a’lam.
October 7, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Find a man or a woman who can help you do the things you want to achieve in life to please Allah.
What is the point of marrying someone who won’t be able to literally ease the path for you? Sure she can cook, clean, and whatever else, but if she doesn’t have the ambitions like you do, and won’t HELP you, than what is the reason you’re marrying him/her?
Makes you think in a whole other perspective. Sure you may like some girl or some guy, but in the end, are they going to be helping you accomplish what you want in life?
Then ask yourself why you really like them in the first place.
We’re all going to end up in Jannah insha’Allah, one second there is better than anything we will ever face on this planet, marriage being one of them.
So instead of marrying for superficial things, marry someone for the reason that they can HELP you please Allah and HELP you attain Jannah.
I’m not saying don’t look for looks or any of that stuff, but we really lose track of what will be important in the end.
Look at the soul first.
There’s something for you to digest =)
October 7, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Thanks for the article…very informative.
Anyways, I’m in no way saying that women should be the “providers of that family” and the aplha males. Brothers please feel free to spend on the sisters as much as you’d like, I doubt it bothers them at all. Also, I do believe the *primary* concern of the sister should be to make sure her house and family are taken care of.
My only problem is that it seems like the point infers that women should be the dumber of the two, and that the fact that she might have books smarts and gotten a “better” education, she isn’t going to get married.
One excellent point made by the author of that article posted is that Khadijah was a top notch businesswoman, and the Prophet sal Allahu alayhi wa salam actually worked for her.
Likewise, just because she did have “book smarts” the Prophet didn’t get intimidated by her, and in fact was able to contribute to the marriage through different means. Ex) He was given the wahy.
Not to compare something like business to wahy, but my whole point is this: even though the wife has the potential to make more money (because she’s gotten a “better education”) doesn’t mean the husband will be left in the dust with nothing to do. Being smart doesn’t just mean you’ve gotten a 4.0 through your schooling career. There are multiple forms of intelligence and many many ways both people can contribute to the marriage.
But again, like the author said…I feel like this argument can go on and on so I’ll end with that inshaAllah. and I apologize if I blew up this tiny little point, but I thought it was needed.
PS I hate femnazis.
October 7, 2008 at 2:14 pm
oh and, feel free to give the sister your 500 Gs as well, I’m sure she’ll find something to do with it
(inshaAllah if all of these “problems” are overcome, we’ll all marry the righteous and she’ll spend it in an amazing way.)
October 7, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Haytham,
You got it right coach, SubhanAllah, much to be learned….
Taught the community must be..
October 7, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Assalamualaykum,
Egyptian women are not all dominating. And why pick on the Egyptian women? The sad fact is that in Egypt one has to be like Faroun. If its not the wife, its the husband and vice versa. But we arent in Egypt, we are in America..
There is one thing Id like to point to here:
You were saying youd wait for hurs in jannah, while you have those who are superior to those Hurs in the duniya (inshaAllah). A Muslima is better than a hur–a hur is just a creation in Jannah but a Muslima has/is spending a life in ibadah in the Earth–by choice. So your comparison is not very right here
Also how can a man of Jannah be like Leonardo Dicaprio? That got me there to be honest.. Wahed kafir we mish shaklo gameel kaman..but I guess thats subjective
Listen the whole world can have issues getting married, male or female, but if you trust in Allah and seek it from Him, he will give you from where you havent imagined.
The real issue at hand is that perhaps we need to do more tawwakul and believe in Him truly–and also do our part. Like someone before me said, you cant look for perfection when you dont have it.
“Wa mayy-yataqellaha yaja’al lahu makhraja..wa yarzukuhu min haythu la yahtaseb”
October 7, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Bismillah
MashaAllah a lot was said here. My first thought after reading this article akhee was:
1- you’re a brother…how do you know why sisters are not getting married?
2- you’re single.
I don’t mean to be rude, I really don’t, but generalizations about a gender you’re not a part of doesn’t make for good research.
As a sister reading this article, it turned me off a lot–not at the content, but by how it was presented. Akhee, how appropriate is it for a Muslim brother to say:
“(btw, I am working on an article titles, The untapped treasure of Egyptian single sisters of NY/NJ area.. so look forward to that)”
How is a sister supposed to feel when she reads that? “Untapped treasure”? For real?
Our words are being recorded, we should say what is pleasing to Allah ta’ala, even if we are joking. And we have the best example in our Messenger alayhi salaatu wa salaam.
It seems that the dunya has caught on to our hearts too much…if we were concerned with the aakhirah, then we would be more careful as to what we say and how we say it. And this reminder is for myself first and foremost.
Both genders here need to gain some level of maturity inshaAllah. Sisters do not want to marry a kid, they want a man. Man doesn’t mean a rich doctor, but a man is someone who fears Allah azza wa jal, one who is respectful and protects and honors his family.
There is so much discussion on marriage nowadays, really is there ANYTHING else that can be added?? SubhanAllah! This topic has been beaten to a pulp…and then some. Stop talking about it and take some action if you are serious. Put your trust in Him and you won’t be disappointed. Wallahu Ghaalibun ‘alaa Amrihi.
Allah says He will not change a people until they change what is in themselves. Let’s not expect righteousness when we are not even at that level.
And Allah azza wa jal knows best.
Jazakum Allahu khayran. I hope that post on tazkiyah will be soon inshaAllah.
October 7, 2008 at 3:32 pm
WOW…. i didnt see this coming..
To my readers…this post has lots of truth in it but you have to keep in mind that there are alot of joking going on here too…
@ Someone… i can see your argument… i guess both ideas can co-exist.
@ Wayfarer… .the comment about Egyptian women was suppose to be funny…. i thought it was clear when I said hahah right before and after it
as for the Leonardo beta3 dah.. i only used him as an example.. i didnt say he will be in jannah… (well unless he becomes muslim) but the point was a man with all these qualities isnt real.. that was my point.. What you said at the end of your comment is given.. no doubt.. but the reality of our parents is alittle different.. dont you think?!
@ Shirtman… RIGHT ON BROTHA
@ Amatu Allah.. to answer your first question.. Alhamdulillah i have a good network of brothers who have experiences some rejections… we talk about this stuff.. and this was based on what I heard and know from them. Is it 100% accurate, maybe not.. but it has some truth in it ..
I am sorry that I offended by the way i presented this topic. It was suppose to be funny.. if you didnt find humor in it.. then my bad… The title about NJ/NY single sisters is clearly a JOKE… you gotta lighten up the mood when you talk about such topic.. at least in my opinion.
I have to say tho, I am offended that the fact that you called me immature … I dont think I am… but then again, your opinion is yours …
No doubt we (brothers) put our trust in Allah (at least those who worship him) …. and the results is up to Him … but these are issues and we are addressing them. If you disagree.. alhamdulillah, you are my sister in Islam and I respect your opinion…but that doest mean that I am wrong either.
The Tazkiya post is coming up next.. I ve been working on it as well alhamdulillah.
October 7, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Haytham, never mind, I don’t want to marry you…’ebb!
October 7, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Yeah Haytham, I know
Asl my mother is a Masriya and you know, ana bakhalee balee
Oh and it got me about the Leo thing because I never understood whats so great about him aslan
La shakl wala haga lol..sorry maybe its just me
Anyways rabena yerzu’ak be bent el halaal et-tayyeba
October 7, 2008 at 4:09 pm
^ LOL
Ameen to your dua …
You know maybe one day I will type up exactly what I am looking for in my wife… thanks for the idea Wayfarer
October 7, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Afwan
October 7, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Subhanallah….very true indeed!
Its not just a fitna for brothers to be single but, for sisters too. Many granted don’t want to marry until they are independent but, to avoid fitnas many do.
What is one thing I think you didn’t mention that adds on to the list especially growing up here in the states is interracial marriage.
Now its very difficult to find the pious prince charming, who has a stable job, and are able provide for the family who is from a certain city of a certain state of a certain country. People I believe make it even more difficult by limiting themselves to man made borders. I think this would help build unity amongst muslims if we married from one another.
Last point…why is it that brothers look for sisters who are active and what not and don’t want that after marriage…..?!?! Its very puzzling to me….
October 7, 2008 at 8:00 pm
I agree with some of your points dude and I know you’re joking on others. I think the part that some sisters forget is that the Man or brother is responsible for his household. With that being said it doesn’t mean that the sister isn’t allowed to work if she wants to in my opinion. In today’s world if you’re in the US or in Egypt or anywhere for that matter the extra income the wife can bring home is something good to have. What both parties need to remember is to fear Allah in everything they do as a married couple. Just because a sister makes more money doesn’t mean that she has the free will to make the calls unless the brother is fine with that. I think the wife could dominate the household no matter if she has a higher income or no income at all. I think the more in common you are to a sister the better. Sorry if my thoughts are all over the place but I get a little heated when I talk about this topic. The points below are some negative that I find with sisters here in the US:
-#1 Fear–very valid but too much is bad
-being indecisive
-looking at everything as a sacrifice. Including moving where the brother is. (Isn’t this usually the standard protocol?)
- playing games with a brother (talking to two to see who is better)
- being pessimistic
With these points being said alot of these go for the brother as well but I will list what I see negative for the brothers. I have sisters so I’ve seen what is negative.
- Impatient
- Too nice (my problem)
- Uptight
- Shy
The last point I wanted to make is marriage is an issue here in the US and in Egypt and elsewhere probably. Families here and there make the $$ a big issue. I think if a brother here has a college degree and a stable job then why should $$ be an issue to the parent or the sister. Point blank the sister won’t live in the environment her Dad had her living in for 20 years. When our families moved her or got married they started at the bottom of the stairs so why won’t parents let there daughters do the same with a good brother. Last think is Maher being asked out there is a little too high if you ask me. What should the maher cover her in the US anyway? In Egypt it’s used for different reasons but same amount there asked here for what? No clue… Thanks Haytham for putting this out there as a topic. I think parents and sisters along with brothers need to work towards solutions.
October 7, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Wow….I think Wayfarer nailed it right in the head MashAllah. Good Job!
October 7, 2008 at 9:28 pm
I completely understand the humor part, and I agree that it’s nice to have some jokes here and there. Most def, parts of your post were funny and you raised a lot of important points mashaAllah…And I did understand that the egyptian sister reference was a joke but my point was that it’s a hurtful joke. Really, is there any benefit to it?
We need to remember that what we say is public, this is the internet and you know brother how I commented on this post? A sister told me about how much it offended her. That’s not good! And on top of that, after I commented, another sister who happens to be Egyptian emailed me as well…Now you may think some sisters take things too seriously, but there is a fine line between what is funny and what is demeaning or hurtful.
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا لَا يَسْخَرْ قَوْمٌ مِنْ قَوْمٍ
If this was an inside joke between you and your friends, then maybe this post should have been private because if any person reads this–they can easily get the wrong idea, no? I definitely did. If you didn’t clarify what was a joke and what was truth, how would any average person know?
Again, you may think i’m taking this too seriously, but i’m just letting you know as I would want someone to tell me if I offended them in anyway–even if it was with the smallest most insignificant detail. Our goal is to be Muhsinoon inshaAllah.
Lastly, I really apologize if you got the wrong idea but I don’t see in my comment where i said you are immature? Just for the record, I don’t. Barak Allahu feekum.
I said “both genders here need to gain some maturity”. Nowhere in my statement did I attach the label “immature” to anyone, rather I’m just passing on a statement I heard shaykh Yaser Birjas say himself that both brothers and sisters when it comes to the topic of marriage need to mature. BOTH is the keyword, inshaAllahu ta’ala. May Allah ta’ala increase you in all that is good, Ameen.
I realize how long my comment is, but just so no gets the wrong idea of my comment (really, it’s just naseehah!)…i’ll share a nice Qur’anic gem (a diet version) inshaAllah about spouses:
so the most beloved ayah to most single ppl is the one in surah Room, right? Allah azza wa jal says:
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
‘wa min ayaatihi, and from His Signs’: These ayaat are a sign of Allah’s Qudrah, they show His Power and Might.
‘min anfusikum, from yourselves’: meaning your own kind, not of animals or jinn, but humans like you.
li-taskunoo, so that you all obtain peace. The ‘li‘ in the beginning of this ayah is the laam of reason, which means that the reason for making spouses of your own kind is so that you may find peace. *It’s the similarities, not the differences*, that is a cause of attraction. li taskunoo: you may find rest, calmness, tranquility, repose. From sa-ka-na, which means to be still.
‘wa ja’ala baynakum and He has made between you’, ‘mawwadatan wa rahmah‘.
Mawwadah is from wudd, and it’s a type of love where one wishes for good for the other. It is not a selfish love, it is a love that hopes good for the other. Hubb, another type of love, can be one sided, but mawaddah is from both sides and you want khayr for the other. It is a caring behavior, you consider their needs, desires, wishes. The person is ready to sacrifice for the other.
‘wa rahmah and rahmah’: mercy, compassion, kindness, affection.
Some scholars say that mawaddah is referring to the wife–who acts out of love (cooking, taking care of children etc), and rahmah is referring to the husband, who remains patient with his wife (ie the bent rib).
Allah says at the end ‘inna fee thaalika la aayaatin li qaumin yatafakaroon, this is an ayah for a people who do fikr, tafakkur’: they ponder, reflect, think deeply and go beyond the surface. Only those who do fikr will understand the ayah/sign behind this.
amazing, subhanAllah just ONE ayah of the Qur’an contains this much and this analysis wasn’t even close to detailed. May Allah ta’ala makes us companions of the Qur’an, Ameen.
Allahu ta’ala a’lam, Jazakum Allahu khayran.
October 7, 2008 at 10:03 pm
I want my wife to work at least until we have kids, and then we’ll take it as it goes – is that really that weird? I don’t understand guys who don’t want their wife to work… but would rather them sit at home and do nothing? it doesn’t make any sense to me
I don’t think a guy should get married until he has a college degree, and displays he has the maturity to care for his wife to be and of course the financial ability.
October 7, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Women should not write such lengthy responses. It makes them seem less articulate and hungry for attention…
Inshallah you should spend your time on learning how to cook or clean instead of complaining on Haythams blog. Maybe then you will get married.
October 7, 2008 at 10:13 pm
@ Amatullah…. I didnt think I was mocking Egyptian women by saying what I said…. If I did, then I ask Allah to forgive me.
I think tho that you are taking ***ONE*** paragraph and going out of your way to point it out. Either way, alhamdulillah over all… I dont mind people disagreeing with me… but take it easy on me…
I admit it though, some things I said might have been pretty sensitive, i agree… may Allah forgive me if I said it outta of ignorance… but I still whole heartily believe that I made some real points that have some real bases in our Muslim community in the States.
Either way, I got your point…. please apologize on my behalf to those sisters… I definitely didnt mean to offend them or anybody for that matter.
@ Umstah..
WOOooW you actually read my blog
I dont mind my wife working. I mind her bossing me around.
But if she is at home, she can use her time in volunteering within our community. Managing and coordinating event… she can study Islam and teach me.. she can do a lot of other things..
Its not like if you dont work that means you do nothing… that is not true… right?
@ Aboo Saleem Pheku
I am free from your comments dude… You are straight up crazy haha
October 7, 2008 at 10:14 pm
..or sewing clothes….lol jk
i know some brothers who for some reason(may be haytham or some of his associates can tell us) have trouble getting married…..
October 7, 2008 at 10:18 pm
^^ lolol..
When Allah wells, it will happen.
I dont stress it. I am looking and who knows maybe I have already found somebody
wink wink
October 8, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Here we go again,
Men need to learn to shoulder some responsibility. it annoys me so much when men who don’t have any income whatsoever try to get married. Just because you’re ready to have sex, doesn’t mean your ready to marry. Marriage isn’t just about sex, its about supporting a loving companion and family.
if a man is lucky to have parents who will support him financially in marriage then sure he can try to get married but shouldn’t complain to them that they aren’t helping him out enough. if your complaining than stop being lazy and get a job. Seriously, its not easy to just give up your daughter like that. You want to make sure your daughter enters a relationship with a man who is stable and not dependent on his parents and not a lazy student who claims to be too busy to work. The sahaba had good character, were good muslims, good students, and workers. people these days are just so lazy and want everything the easy way.
I the future inshallah, when I have a daughter I wont’ just marry her off to the first man who says he’s a ‘good muslim.’ I would have to see the evidence of him being a good muslim by his character, they way he handles responsibility, the way treats his parents, his future plans, they way he works.. etc. and inshallah I won’t demand of him a $5000 wedding, just a simple dinner at home would be nice.
October 8, 2008 at 12:22 pm
And now all the brothers will get upset for posting this comment…. You all know what I am saying is the truth….. Just make sure your stable enough and you can support a wife before you think you can support a wife.
October 8, 2008 at 1:20 pm
I didnt get upset about your comment.. you are 110% correct. But tell me this…
A brother who is 25 PhD Candidate… potential work in the UN…. (sounds to me like he is got it going on mashaAllah) why is it that he is still getting rejected “until he finishes his PhD?? That I dont understand..
Parents need to look at the potential .. not just how much money he is NOW making.. at least that is my opinion..
And yes, no one in his right mind thinks that marriage is all about sex and thats it.. come on.. we are all grown ups here.. if any brother thinks that.. he is retarded… hands down..
As for the second comment… you said:
>>. Just make sure your stable enough and you can support a wife before you think you can support a wife.
NO.. I DISAGREE….. you dont have to be “stable enough” right this moment… if you are an MD Student… wallahi the parents wouldnt say no to you.. simply coz your an MD student.. but a PhD or a Masters student.. o nooo.. hell no… wait up .. lets put the whole thing off.. then we can talk after graduation….. absurd i tell ya… ABSURD… at least in my opinion.
October 8, 2008 at 3:11 pm
SubhanAllah, its amazing how many different responses were given to this one article.
On the issue of stability: I think as long as he has a good job and it doesn’t seem like he’ll be losing it soon, then that should be okay.
WARNING to those in DEBT: Big problem here. Just make sure you’re not in debt before you try to get married. That’s a good enough issue to keep you from getting married. Or atleast it is to my mom so Allaahu A3lam.
Borders: I hear about this ALL THE TIME, about how parents wont let their kids marry someone from a different country. One girl yesterday was saying how her parents wont let her marry anyone except a 100% urduni (Jordanian), and I’ve heard this from falasteenis, libnaanis, and God knows who else. Shame on their parents!!! Also, my best friend’s dad almost said no to her husband, just because he’s not 3arab. I was like haram 3amo, ma bi jooz. Ma bti2dar t2ullo la2 bas 3ashan huwwe amareeki w bas 3ashan biddak tishrab ahwe ma3u lamma saam3een lil akhbaar bil 3arabi. For real man. He felt bad =).
Also, someone brought up girls who talk to 2 guys and try to see who they like better. That’s really jacked up and islamically, if there’s already a proposal on the table and another proposal comes along, you have to tell guy #2 that someone’s already asking for your daughter, too bad. If he wants to wait incase guy#1 doesnt work out, good for him. If not, oh well, al7amdulillaahi 3ala kulli 7aal.
On the issue of girls proposing, I think that’s really cool but I don’t think I could ever do it, honestly. Not the whole rejection thing, I don’t know if it would bother me too much (maybe if it happened continuously or something, that would suck-I don’t know how guys do it) but I think it would look bad if you thought the guy was good (from what you saw/knew about him) but then when your parents investigate -yes, INVESTIGATE- him, they find out he isn’t good and then you’re like “oh sorry I can’t marry you” you know? I don’t know that’s what I think about it.
October 8, 2008 at 4:14 pm
@ ME
>>I was like haram 3amo, ma bi jooz. Ma bti2dar t2ullo la2 bas 3ashan huwwe amareeki w bas 3ashan biddak tishrab ahwe ma3u lamma saam3een lil akhbaar bil 3arabi. For real man. He felt bad =).
HAHA…
October 8, 2008 at 5:32 pm
…. A PUBLIC APOLOGY TO SISTERS……
So I was told by a friend of mine that the word “Tapped” has a meaning that I truly didnt intend AT ALL.
My intention of saying that was that there is a treasure of single muslim sisters in Jersey/NY area that us brothers in the south dont know about. That was all.
I felt the need to explain this because neither my manners nor my deen would allow me to say such thing. I was shocked when I understood that “other” meaning of tapped.
Now I can understand how “offensive” was this post to some of my sisters.. and if you know them, please .. tell them this… I truly apologize.
I have already edited the article…
Wassalam
October 8, 2008 at 8:13 pm
first of all sister “ME” (sounds like a sister?) you MUST talk to my dad.
second of, this is a funny article, jazakAllahu kheiran.
third of all, this sounds more like “problems brother have with sisters in getting married”(not their real sisters!)
lol
ps aboo saleem is 500 hundred percent arab man. thank you, have a nice day.
pps sister “sisteR” Maybe im a dreamer but my husband will cook AND clean…just a little bit.
October 8, 2008 at 8:17 pm
@ asalaamu alaikum…
>>second of, this is a funny article, jazakAllahu kheiran.
Alhamdulillah somebody actually appreciated the humor .. THANK YOU
October 8, 2008 at 9:30 pm
So I noticed I have no life, I’m commenting on here twice today. InshaAllah it wont happen again.
@Haytham: THAT’S why it sounded weird the first time I read it. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I knew it was a joke so I guess I just put it out of my mind. Yeah thats messed up. Its crazy how people have different reactions to one word…
@Assalamu alaikum: Bring it on sista. I talk with alot of parents (they like me for some reason, I suppose I have a charm, this one lady was tellin her friend I was real “haadye” and I wasnt even being haadye at that point but hey, whatever works right?) alhamdulillaah. Now if they listen to me, thats a different story but that specific friend says her dad respects my opinion. Cool huh? My wisdom far exceeds my years. (This is all to be taken in good humor and is not intended to be arrogance on my part, a3oodhu billaah).
Cooking and cleaning, OF COURSE lol. I expect breakfast in bed, atleast once a year lol. But with proper training
… hahah just kidding (not really lol)
October 9, 2008 at 10:34 am
^^^^^^^^ uhhh…
October 9, 2008 at 10:35 am
Haytham i think you should have comment filtering/moderation.
October 9, 2008 at 10:42 pm
If you are an unmarried girl that has graduated with a bachelors, you have two options: get a job or go back to school. Sitting at home is not acceptable [especially in accordance with the independence mentalities that our parents have]. According to your post, its a lose lose situation. If you get a job and make money, you’re likely to intimidate any possible husbands. If you increase your education, you’re going to scare away people that are less educated.
Not every girl wants a career. Especially after she gets married. If she is forced to work now, dont assume thats what she wants to do for the rest of her life. As stated earlier, after you graduate you have two options: job or more education.
Also, more and more parents are no longer looking for the ‘perfect boy’ for their daughters. Especially in girls that have graduated or about to graduate. If youre from a poorer family attempting to marry into a rich family, or a janitor trying to marry into a family of doctors, this might not apply. Girls are expected to get married before graduation or right after graduation. If they arent, parents start to get desperate. They dont want their daughters to end up alone. If theres more than one daughter in the family it is also looked at as setting a bad precedent. You dont want to have the first daughter marry late.
The independence mentality in girls. This was personally the most frustrating point for me to read. Girls these days need to have a balance. In the houston community i can think of several girls that are almost 30 and remain unmarried. Not because they are picky, but because they are not receiving proposals from half decent guys. Its becoming more of a reality that not all girls will be fortunate enough to get married. This is especially sad when high school girls are getting married and college or post-grad girls are considered to be ‘too old.’ Girls have to balance this knowledge and realize that they cant depend on ‘one day ill get married and….’ and also balance the knowledge that upon marriage they will have to be submissive as well. There are many girls active in the community that are active, that do seem independent, but at the same time know and are ready to accept the wisdom behind being a wife that will let her husband be in control.
You mention in your post that the west is fitnah filled for men, please dont forget that its also a temptation for women. Girls dont sit at home and twiddle their thumbs. They do have to find things to occupy their time as well. Girls simply arent as easily entertained with video games/basketball either [yes i realize thats a huge generaliztion]. If there are muslim girls that have the ability to give back to society, whether by teaching in the masjid or volunteering at an animal shelter, why should they sit at home? They need to kill time till they get married too. Girls however also have this added component now of ‘I cant take part in too many activities and seem independant, I dont want to seem unmarriable.’ Truly its frustrating.
October 10, 2008 at 12:37 am
MashaAllah.. good post with a different insight
You said:
>>According to your post, its a lose lose situation. If you get a job and make money, you’re likely to intimidate any possible husbands. If you increase your education, you’re going to scare away people that are less educated.
No its not and that is not what I meant. I dont think men have a problem with their wives working… I think we are passed this big time… alhamdulillah. What we have a problem with (like I said in an earlier comment) its the bossiness of the women that scare men off. They’d rather be single.
I dont have a problem with women having a higher degree than men. That is not what I am saying.. So long that the man is of a good education.. there shouldnt be a problem again. Its the bossiness again.
Allah said in the Quran
الرجال قوامون على النساء بما فضل الله بعضهم على بعض بوما انفقوا من اموالهم
سورة النساء الاية رقم 34
Translation according to QuranJam.com http://quranjam.com/jam/Chapter.aspx?ChapNum=4
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. (Surat AlNisa verse 34)
Its what men spend on women that make them the maintainers .. if you reverse this role, women will be the maintainers and this house hold will be upside down.
Thats all what I am saying..
Never did I meant to say dont get higher education (my mother is working on her PhD right now and I am helping her.. so yea… I am 110% pro higher education) nor do I say women shouldnt work…
I must have really failed in expressing my views … LOL as usual
You said:
>>Girls are expected to get married before graduation or right after graduation. If they arent, parents start to get desperate. They dont want their daughters to end up alone.
And subhan Allah this is the part that I dont comprehend at all. When their daughter is getting proposals while she is in college they reject them with the excuse that she is too young and they want her to focus on her education… then when she graduates (say she is her mid/upper 20s) no one is coming since she is a little too old now and then the parents are freaking out… come on ….. make your life easy..
This might not be the case for every girl… but it does happen.
You said:
>>The independence mentality in girls. This was personally the most frustrating point for me to read.
Try to be objective here. I am not saying girls should depend 110% on their “future” husband… OF COURSE NOT …
What I am saying is ..this attitude of I dont need a man to be happy… I can do this on my own. My education and my career is my priority.. and if you (the husband) dont like it .. I will divorce you… THIS ATTITUDE… i have seen it .. you look around you in Houston and you will know what I am talking about. This is insane…
Allah said:
ومن آياته أن خلق لكم من أنفسكم أزواجا لتسكنوا إليها
And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect. (Surat AlRoom verse 21)
^^ This is what men look for… this love and affection and mercy.. Which I am sure its the same for women too.. but the only difference is .. what does love and affection mean for men vs women.. once this is understood from both parties… nothing but happiness will be found between them… Wallahu A’lam
You said:
>>You mention in your post that the west is fitnah filled for men, please dont forget that its also a temptation for women. Girls dont sit at home and twiddle their thumbs
haha.. I have no doubt about that.. Thanks for the reminder tho..
You said:
>>If there are muslim girls that have the ability to give back to society, whether by teaching in the masjid or volunteering at an animal shelter, why should they sit at home? They need to kill time till they get married too
110% agreed. No one say sit at home…. so long that they keep their hayaa and their Islamic etiquette .. (FYI.. same goes for guys too.. about the hayaa and Islamic etiquette)
You said:
>>Girls however also have this added component now of ‘I cant take part in too many activities and seem independant, I dont want to seem unmarriable.’ Truly its frustrating.
I am not sure if men think of women who are Islamically active in the community (i.e. MSA, halaqat, convention even..etc) are independent and unmarrible. Heck, that is the only way we know about the availability of the girl. .but like Ashmin said in an earlier post..
“why is it that brothers look for sisters who are active and what not and don’t want that after marriage…..?!?! Its very puzzling to me….”
Men just want their women’s attention… thats all.. you konw we too have feelings..and we too dont like to share our wives with anybody else (i.e. work too much, volunteer too much, or even sometimes we hate to share you with our own children… go figure) just in case if you sisters didnt realize that.
PS. That very last paragraph is based on some of the married people talk.. i have no clue if its true or not.. i just hear some of my married friend talk about it.. alhamdulillah I have never been married… YET
And Allah over all knows best
October 18, 2008 at 1:07 pm
On the issue of the “treasure trove” of sisters in the NJ/NY area… that is EXACTLY what the brothers in the NJ/NY area say about Houston.
Fact is, those who talk a lot, usually aren’t doing enough towards their goal of getting married. As to those who have been dealing with rejections for whatever reason… qadrAllah wa ma sha’a fa’l. The best is yet to come, bi idhnillaahi ta’ala.
October 20, 2008 at 7:57 am
ok question for the guys- if a sister is making more than you do + is a good cook, knows how to take care of the house etc, understands her rights as a wife and a mother, trying her best to follow them, will you have a problem considering her for marriage?
October 20, 2008 at 8:01 am
oh and looks good too lol how can we forget that? :p yes such women do exist in dunya :p
October 20, 2008 at 10:28 am
ok question for the guys- if a sister is making more than you do + is a good cook, knows how to take care of the house etc, understands her rights as a wife and a mother, trying her best to follow them, will you have a problem considering her for marriage?
oh and looks good too lol how can we forget that? :p yes such women do exist in dunya :p
hahahahaha…. vhere are they…. LOL.. jk
But yea.. if ALL that exists… then i dont see why not..
October 26, 2008 at 12:41 am
being the 69th commentor, i have no clue whether or not this will be read or not BUT…
first of all thank u for such a post… its honest and straightforward and we lack that in our community
second of all…i wud say that u should blame the parents rather than the sisters, for those are the people that raised the members of society both the sisters AND THE BROTHERS that we have to live with
third of all… let me tell u something, if a girl were to express her desire to marry, all hail breaks loose and ud run away from her… so we end up ripping emotion from our heart until we become apathetic
and for some of us who have failed greatly to relieve ourselves of the desire to love… we sit here and read blogs like urs and wonder if ur even a real person writing this or not because this is what we have searched for and cant seem to find…and if we dare wish for it, youd work hard to stay away
October 26, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Yep, Haytham is definitely going to stay away now….
However lucky for you, you can possibly contact him at this phone number Edited by mod. for Privacy
January 21, 2009 at 3:23 pm
I know this is a late post, but tell me this… (It’s regarding the sister not wanting to move to another state) Why is it that the sister has to move, with of course legit reasons? If she has a small family in the states (only her immediate family, all daughters, so there isn’t a son to bring a girl to the state) and all their life they have been together and parents are protective. Her parents don’t want her to leave and most importantly, the daughter doesn’t want to leave her parents. As parents get older the daughter (as also the son, but more the daughter) has to be there. Shouldn’t he have more respect to why she doesn’t want to move? Plus guys have to understand that it’s harder on a girl to leave in all aspects (emotionally, physically…) If the guy thinks the sister is good couldn’t he consider moving himself? It’s not like the sister won’t allow him to visit his family often. Especially if she likes his family, so there is no fear in that. Guys make it hard for some girls to get married… If a guy considers moving for a sister in that situation, the girl will have so much more respect for the bother. Ultimately the more respect and love the sister has for the brother, the better it is for the brother in their relationship… Man, when a good brother comes along and he is just stubborn in that point, it creates fear for the sister, who knows when someone that good will come again… Wallahi some girls are ghalbaneen and just torn between staying with their parents and a good brother out of state (especially when chances in the state are low). Guys have to know that listening to parents and taking care of them is the most important thing after listening to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and the prophet salallahu ‘alayhi wa salam…
Of course everything is naseeb wa alhamdulillah, but brothers and sisters need to be more lenient on both ends… Allah al Must’an
(Of course nothing is targeting you, i don’t know you… It’s just in general)
January 21, 2009 at 9:18 pm
That sums up exactly what I wanted to say.. and of course every case is different.. may Allah make it easy on us all.
Ameen.
PS. Thanks for your post, it shows the “other” side of the argument..
January 21, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Ameen to your duaa’!
You’re welcome. It was a source of letting out something thats been bothering me. That’s just part of the “other” side. I have more going on in my mind… just thought to add something guys might not be thinking of.
Maybe you can write a post on a compilation of advice/ thoughts from a sisters point of view for the brothers to shed some light on things guys might not be taking into consideration. Of course you’d need sisters to send you that info. After all you’re a brother and you might benefit from it as well…
btw, just out of curiosity, would you or any brother actually ever consider to go out of state for a sister (in the situation that I mentioned above) if he thinks she’s good in all other aspects?
January 21, 2009 at 11:59 pm
I know guys who did that.. tho it really depends on the situation. The career of the brother and other things as well..so its a relative thing that would change from one situation to the other
February 19, 2009 at 3:41 pm
I, for one, would willfully move out if I knew the brother was good for me and vice versa..
September 5, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Alhamdulillah you speak the truth as you see it. Don’t ever stop doing that. It’s not important to have the most popular point of view. Just to speak your truth and keep steppin’.
I’d like to reprint your article on Zawaj.com if that’s alright Insha’Allah. Jazak Allah khayr.
September 6, 2009 at 1:36 am
Jazakom Allahu khayran for the complement. Feel free to reprint this article, I hope some benefit could come from it. I just ask of you to please wait till the new site comes out and then inshaAllah you can feature it there if you wish. Also when you do reprint it, just take a excerpts and link back to my blog. I would truly appreciate that.
September 7, 2009 at 11:53 am
” Muslim girls usually are more educated than men which give them better careers than men which leads to the ultimate problem which is, women making more money than their husbands. (FYI, some men don’t like that simply because their feelings that they should be the one providing for the family, not his wife)”
this is just so sad. im in dental school right now and from what i hear (dumb as it sounds i never knew, rolling in millions was never my thing) dentists make a hell lot of money. i already decided i will save up my (extra)salary and give the rest in sadaqah and to my parents. if my future husband doesnt like me helping with bills or whatever, fine. i can understand guys have egos. not that its right b/c our Prophet salAllahu’alaihee wasallam didnt mind using Khadijah’s radyAllahu’anha money. but im not like the mothers of the believers so i guess i shouldnt expect men to be like our nabi salAllahu’alaihee wasallam.
br.haytham, i think you should calm down a bit. believe me not all muslim girls with careers are gonna boss their men around. if a woman is practicing, she’ll give you the position you deserve in the family..inshaAllah. i would hate it someone would judge me by my profession and salary figure. khadijah radyAllahu’anha is my role model- a career woman+wife. rasulAllah salAllahu’alaihee wasallam loved her so much..even after her death..he respected and honored her friends and family. inshaAllah i would do my best to be a good wife and a mother (even if it means giving up on my career and staying home for the kids..at least till they grow up).
sorry for the long post, i had to get it out somewhere.
September 7, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Ya Muslima,
There werent any indications in my post about whether this is what will happen from the sisters or not… all what i am saying it is a fear that “the brothers” might have…
And indeed it is one of the reasons why some sisters dont get married until later on..
This isnt right… i agree with you… one has to first sit and talk to the girl … see what kind of a person she is.. and if he likes her personality (wheather she was the bossy time.. or she was the “yes sir” type or anything in between) then let him go for her… if not.. there are other sisters who are also waiting to get married..
I wrote this in one of my comments above.. so if you wish, please go ahead and read the comments and let me know if you have any other comments of your own.
Jazaki Allahu khayran
September 11, 2009 at 8:28 am
assalamu’alaykum
I would like to comments on a few things.
” Muslim girls want to marry this “Leonardo Dicaprio” figure (sorry, I rmr him from Titanic…LOL) who is super romantic, super considered, smart, kind and caring, maybe a quarterback haha, super “cute”, of course he has to be in shape, and super everything thing they hear in fairy tales and its almost impossible to find that in real world….maybe in Jannah insha’Allah.”
what’s wrong in wanting a man who is trying to follow our Prophet salAllahu’alaihee wasallam (so that basically includes every quality a girl will want in her husband)? looks are important. you want to be physically attracted to your spouse..but i agree, some girls and guys take it too far. dont look for an Alejandro when your not an Elena yourself ( the characters from zorro..)
“—- Jilbabi/Niqabi/super covered basically (no pants, jeans, etc)”
i dont see what’s wrong with that (besides the niqab part-not all modest women wear the niqab) pants and jeans (unless they are too baggy and ugly) are not modest at all. if you want to wear them, put an abayah on.
“—- Submissive and polite.”
polite, ok. but submissive? i mean seriously do you guys want a wife who’ll be like ‘yes, sir’ to everything you have to say? dont you want a wife like khadijah radyAllahu’anha who will advise and guide you in your affairs?
regarding back home women being more submissive..that’s becoz they are ignorant of their Islamic rights. plus, it’s mostly always becoz of male members of the family bossing them around. how do you know the sister from back home will not change once she moves into a more modern environment?
on a side note, i like your way of writing. marriage posts tend to get depressing and i usually feel hopeless reading them- but you know how to get your point across and spice it up with humor.
September 11, 2009 at 8:33 am
“(FYI, some men don’t like that simply because their feelings that they should be the one providing for the family, not his wife)”
why is it automatically assumed that a wife is earning more than her husband will be paying the bills too? islamically a woman’s money only belongs to her.
September 11, 2009 at 8:34 am
*why is it automatically assumed that a wife earning more than her husband will be paying the bills too? islamically a woman’s money only belongs to her.
sorry for the typos
September 11, 2009 at 11:38 am
Sr. Muslimah…
My whole point was to say that some brothers sometimes ask for too much… same goes for some sisters….
We can live in our idealistic world… but reality is a little more harsher than this.
September 21, 2009 at 10:21 pm
la hawla wa la quwwata ila billah…
this is still going on? Pushin a year subhanAllah!
One year mubarak in two weeks lol.
September 29, 2009 at 5:02 am
assalamu’alaykum
i know a couple who are heading for divorce..and the reason- exactly what some guys fear-dominant woman, woman ordering their men around. and you know what’s the funny thing? the woman im talking abt is not much educated. so it actually shows no matter how over-educated or under-educated you are, if you got deen and akhlaq, it’s all good. wAllahu’alam.
September 29, 2009 at 5:09 am
and i just wanted to comment on the export marriages thing. i dont think it’s such a bad idea. in this day age, it’s difficult to find a good muslim. if you find one, get married.